Hurricane Dorian

Josh's Really Really Smart Movies

Hurricane Heist


.5 Brains

I did some searching for “hurricane” themed movies while Dorian was approaching, and to say the “pickins” were slim would be an accurate statement.

It seems hurricanes are not the go-to natural disaster when wanting to create a feature-length film.

I assume the antagonist hurricane sticks around throughout most of the film but this reviewer did not. I started and stopped the film 3 separate times and never made it past the 25min mark.

It started with the soon-to-be steamrolled-by-a-rolling-water-tower father driving two boys under 10 (sorry, I don’t know kids ages). The boys, I assume both are nearsighted, are oddly oblivious to the tree-leveling weather that is within arms reach. They are riding shotgun in a rickety ol’ tow-truck while their father, soon-to-be-an-IHOP-special, tries to outrun the surprise hurricane that has descended on top of them. Somehow the ol’tow truck careens off the road and gets stuck on a rock or “high centered” as the soon to be squashed dad tells us.

Luckily, ol rickety tow truck has a winch and almost-flat-father knows how to use it. Pounding-sand papa plans to wrap the winch cable around a tree and winch the truck off the big rock, but first he must get the boys out of the safety of the truck and run them inside a mystery house 100 yards away.

Outside? yeah it’s bad..There is debris striking the truck like it's competing on American Gladiators, specifically facing Malibu on the tennis ball cannon.

Here is a quote taken from when they bust into a strangers house without warning.

”Hello? Hello?

I'm sure it's all right.

You boys stay in here.

I gotta get that truck back on the road.

You understand?”

As an outsider, watcher of this scene—NO I DONT UNDERSTAND. You want the truck back on the road, because it is safer to be in the truck “outrunning” a hurricane. You also want the boys in the house because it is safer than in the truck.

Here we go baby!

We are 1minute, 15 seconds in and, in the background, we see a cylindrical water tower fall to the ground kicking off it’s legs. Just like a quarterback throwing a pigskin ahead of the receiver, we see Mother Nature blow the water tank to where Dad will be and not to where Dad is currently. Dad’s timing is perfect and he meets the cylinder perfectly in front of the window where his boys are standing. Although Dad made the catch, the boys react in a way that makes me believe the cylinder had some unexpected weight to it. Mother Nature decides this isn’t a scene for young boys to witness so she flips the “safe” house a couple of times.

True Story, I mean all the above was true, but this is insane and true.

The boys land with an opening to the sky and although the hurricane seems to be dissipating somehow.. a skull forms in the clouds directly above them and growls at the younger boy who dares make eye contact with it. That really happened.

Last note.

I was told the “southern accent” is the “easiest” American accent to learn or fake. My man from Black Mirror (the eyeball DVR episode) really made an effort. I wanted to reference a cartoon character with a wildly drawn out southern accent, but, honestly, none hold a candle to this guy’s linguistic caricature of an “authentic southern drawl.”

Watch 10 min of it just to find that I’m not fibbing..schucks!