Josh's Really Really Smart Movies

Hook

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2. 5 Brains

Hook…sheesh

What can I say? It’s probably in your top 10 favorite films,ya?

After sludging my way through this movie I looked at my notebook to see what “haha funny” things I had noticed about the film. Circled was “Who really rules Neverland-Look to kid island?”

I restarted the film where Peter arrives at kid island. Peter is an immediate target of harassment being that he is obviously an ugly grownup.(Buddy, I feel ya there, oofa)

It seems Ruffalin is in charge of kid island because he is closest to puberty and controls Excalibur. No one seems to be challenging his rule I imagine because he has a golden sword and they only have goop-tipped arrows.

Wayne always says “Don’t Bring Goop Arrows to a Sword Fight” and I finally figured out why.

“So who rules Neverland?” You ask.

Come with me to the scene where Peter has been cornered and Ruffalin pulls out his sword. Here we see Ruffalin almost chop Peter in half (vertically) but stop short. Why? Not because the children around him shouldn’t be exposed to such a horrific act, but because he needs approval. Ruffalin doesn’t rule Neverland or kid island.

Enter the actual leader of Neverland, a small African-Neverlandian child. He grabs Peter’s face, I assumed it was to remove his spine ie; Mortal Kombat Finish Him, but caresses it. He “mushes” it in a way that I imagine the prisoner on “Scared Straight” would have mushed that one white kid’s face if given the chance.

After a good mushin he stretches Peters face backwards and whispers “Oh, There you are.” - Pardon?

This made me immediately burst out in a good laugh. Sheesh..What did Peter look like as a kid?

So I did some searching and made some calls.I found an original poster. showing young Peter that was denied by Disney executives. Enjoy.

2.5Brains

Josh's Really Really Smart Movies

The Wizard

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3. 5 Brains

This was not as I remember it. Like not at all.

We open with what looks like the desert scene from “Mac & Me.” A long empty highway with a lone boy walking down it. This boy has covered so much distance WALKING they need planes to catch up to him..IM SORRY, WHAT!?

The plane sees him and gives his coordinates to the STATE TROOPER…lol..not the town cop, not the county Sheriff, a State Trooper. lolol

State Trooper pulls up to the boy and shouts “SON!..SON!..” then radios back “Yeah, that’s him” .. -Pardon? Are there a lot of other stray boys wondering highways in this region?

HERE IS THE UNEDITED CREATION STORY FOR “THE WIZARD” THAT I WAS ABLE TO DIG UP.

VISION BRAND CLOTHING & NINTENDO got together to shoot a cool kids commercial with Fred Savage and Christian Slater. At the shoot—Fred Savage said it should be actually feature length movie. And instead of kids at a BBQ, it should be about and kid who watched his twin sister drown in a river “but not get pulled down river, instead drown right there 3ft in front of him” (a quote from the movie.)

This traumatized kid has to walk, stack stuff, or play video games to heal his brain. VISION and Nintendo agreed instantly because tthis sounded really SSIIIIICCCKKKK!!

My Review. 3.5 brains

Why?: There is a scene in this movie that is like “Groundhog Day” to me. I lived and re-lived it everyday in middle school. Here is the scene.

The first round of competition has just ended. The Coolest of Cool kids “Lucas” is advancing to the next round but- is not happy to see “Jimmy” advance to the next round.

Lucas and his buddies exit the building and the only non-VISION branded shirt wearing, caucasian boy walks up. This boy is me aka “middle school Josh” and he is attempting to talk “cool kid style” to the cool kids once again.

JOSH-”Lucas, Hey Lucas (catching up) Man, That was Great! (enter odd saying that has never been said by a kid my age) Your going to rip their gizzards out!”-

LUCAS-”Yeah,Yeah, Dorklips, make yourself useful and get me a drink”

….This day was repeated in the hallway, in the lunchroom, and after school for years. But I showed them.

Trust Me, I did..BRAD!..I SHOWED YOU & ZACH!

3.5Brains

Josh's Really Really Smart Movies

Primal Fear

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4. 5 Brains

Not a review this time…but a story.

—Basic Synopsis of Movie—

“Defense attorney Martin Vail takes on jobs for money and prestige rather than any sense of the greater good. His latest case involves an altar boy, accused of brutally murdering the archbishop of Chicago. Vail finds himself up against his ex-pupil and ex-lover, but as the case progresses and the Church's dark secrets are revealed, Vail finds that what appeared a simple case takes on a darker, more dangerous aspect.”

I was 15 and was the invited friend on a family of 3’s road trip. It was me, my best friend (AT THAT TIME), his mom ( FOR FOREVER) and his stepdad (HALF OF HIS LIFE). We are all riding in comfort, because the stepdad drives a conversion van. Yungbloodz, like Cam, will picture some ride like Bumblebee, Wayne’s favorite Transformer movie, but you are far off.

A conversion van was basically a normal van but the “conversion factory” would blowup a huge velour/carpet balloon inside of it until it popped covering every surface in a material able to soak up liquids. They would then tuck a tv and vcr in it and sell it to old white men. (it's true, read a book).

After just days on the road we had burned through our stacks of old Trivial Pursuit cards and BrainQuest Quiz decks. Every vhs in the van had been watched, at least twice at this point, so at every gas stop we would hunt the shelves for anything at all. One late evening the lady of the van had initiated a pee stop. I blew past, through the lot, and hit the spinning vhs rack. BOOM BABY! PRIMAL FEAR! I knew it, I loved it..I wanted it…so, I bought it!

We are all now back in the van traveling 70mph down the interstate. I pop in the VHS and the very clear orator RIchard Gere drops 3 sentences which include the words. “whorehouse & f^@ked” all within 15 seconds. Somehow those two lines were blocked frequency-wise with a bag of sunchips being opened and did not get heard by the front driver and passenger.

Now, at this point I’m thinking how I really only remember the end of the movie and have no clue what happens in between

I glance at the box quickly..

blah Catholic church..blah..alter boy… blah.. ok not bad…Rated R…uh-oh..

And then…it happens;

a chef’s knife comes down on a Catholic priest’s hand severing his fingers in mid air.(beautiful shot - looked like a McDonald’s ad for chicken fingers and sweet red dipping sauce)

My best friend squirm/gasps and his stepdad reacts instantly and pulls the van over like we just tried to light a firework on the back of his head.

In one swift but fluid motion he put the van in park, took off his seatbelt and reached back hitting eject blindly on the vcr. (NOT feeling for it, like one finger came back and articulated downward hitting it square, stopping and ejecting the tape.) He exits the van, walks around the front,then to my passenger side and slides open the van door with his left hand. His right arm enters the van at the click of the handle, almost beating beams of light through the gap. His right hand grips the tape using a thumb/pointer grasp and I could have swore I heard the vhs apologize for its rated-R content like a Squeeze-IT fruit drink. In what had to be the most athletic maneuver performed that day on the side of the interstate- I witnessed this man underhanded swoop-throw my vhs copy of Primal Fear into the roadside forest. (and it never hit the ground…jk twister joke)

Years later I would realize what had actually happened that day. The Sunchips didn’t actually muffle the noise and only tuned (driver) stepdads ears more closely to my movie of choice. Stepdad had caught a glimpse of my purchase but did not immediately recognize the blockbuster until it started playing.

My road trip hosts were devout Catholic…this I knew but didn’t understand. Primal Fear had Ed Norton playing a Catholic altar boy…this I knew but didn’t understand.

I made the road trip so much longer and worse for everyone that day…this I know..and do understand.

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Wayne's Really Really Smart Movies

DragonHeart

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4 Brains

When someone asks me, as they often do, "Wayne, who enjoys the movie DragonHeart?", I always respond with the same answer: "Anyone with eyes to see, anyone with feelings to feel".

The film stars Dennis Quaid (Independent Spirit award winner for best supporting actor in 2002's Far From Heaven) as the protagonist named Bowen.

Bowen Quaid works with the world's last surviving dragon, Draco (voiced by Sean Connery) to stop an evil Prince from taking over the world.

As a reviewer I like to avoid spoilers at all cost, but trust me when I say, If you love dragons you will adore this little movie.

Everyone who knows me, knows I love dragons. Favorite band? Imagination Dragons. Favorite shirt? A blue shirt with a dragon on it that my mum bought me last year. Favorite color? Dragon red. Favorite member of Ruff Ryders that isn’t DMX? Drag-on Favorite way to get a heavy object into my house? Drag - in Favorite physician? Dr. Agon

I could go on and on.

I say this because it's important for you to know that I'm a bit biased when it comes to the film DragonHeart. Is it a good movie? No. Does it hold up after all these years? No. Should you watch it? No. Does it have Dragons? Yes!

So there you have it. If you weren't convinced enough already, maybe this quote from the film will help you understand the underlying beauty

Gilburt of Glockenspur: "AAAAHHH WE'RE DYING, WE'RE GOING TO DIE!"

Bowen of House Quaid: "No, brother Gilburt, We aren't dying. We're flying."

DragonHeart 4 out of 5 brains.

Josh's Really Really Smart Movies

Henry’s Crime

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1 Brains

The current zeitgeist is to praise Keanu and all his works. Cool, I love a good zeitgeist; errrbody knows that.

Hoping to be afflicted, I watched a Keanu movie called "Henry's Crime". Hmmm.

My 'pinion of Keanu's acting style, if summarized into one word, would be "aloof."

Doesn't matter if Keanu is playing parts in movies like Trench-coat scoliosis, Venice Hooligan President, Angry Bus Passenger, or The time traveling mailbox... I find him always aloof.

Now casting probably thought they knocked it outta the park when signing Keanu for Henry's Crime. This is because Henry's main character trait would best be described as "aloofness." Now, telling Keanu to just "be" would have definitely sufficed and delivered the ideal amount of aloofness that Henry needed. However, some dumdum told Keanu that Henry's character was"aloof" by nature and that was the film's biggest mistake.

Doubling up on aloofness seems to make any expression indiscernible on Keanu's face, as he strides blankly through the part of Henry. Henry is aloof in his decision making and his awareness to the people around him. Keanu, i.e. Henry, has a level of walking catatonia that would be only recognizable to fans of the hit Robin Williams film "Awakenings."

1 Brain

Josh's Really Really Smart Movies

You’ve Got Mail

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2.5 Brains

This movie explores how two adults handle anonymity in the mature themed DZ Discovery Zone that we now currently call “The Internet.”

You see…The internet was a new and scary place in the 90’s and this kept many people away, but not me….

To connect to this mystery land, known as “the internet,” customers had to own a device called a modem. Think of a modem as a “Stargate” (watch the movie, dumdum), opening a portal to another land. However, to open this portal, modems didn’t arrange hieroglyphics on a large, rotating ring..nahh, instead modems would play an arrangement of sounds, each different from the sound before, on what can only be described as an internally installed devil’s flute.

The sounds emitted had no known way of being muffled. This reviewer remembers piling blankets, pillows, and quilts around and on top of his parents modem hoping to stifle the demonic communica in its place.

However, any insulating properties once held by the cottons, polyesters, and wool vanished immediately upon the first note. The circus of sounds played even louder but this time in such a braggadocious manner as to say “na ah ah, na ah ah.”

An AOL commercial with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan secretly cheating on their partners sounds great on paper..but on film..it’s still kinda wrong..yeah?

Great seeing Dave Chappelle though.

2.5 Brains